Dear love of my life,
First of all, i hope you are doing great wherever you are. It has taken me a while to put this letter together and send it off to you so, bear with me if some of the things i say upset you.
So, i have looked for you for twenty-seven years and it’s still not clear exactly where you are. I mean, i have searched since I was 18? All I have had been little glimpses of you that always made me hope only for that hope to be crushed. Like that time when I thought I found you. Only it wasn’t you was it? You tricked me into thinking that the guy who was always parked outside my house waiting for me was you. Yeah, I bet you remember him! The one who used to write me a bunch of letters when I was in boarding school and send me pizza and money by courier all the time. You really had me fooled that time because, you got even my mother believing that it was really you. Only it wasn’t. It turned out you were doing the dirty with one of my friends behind my back and it was really a good day when i found the two of you together!!
Oh oh.. what about that time when you tried to change me into something I wasn’t and I let you do it because I believed you had changed your ways and I really wanted your mother to like me? Yeah, that didn’t go down well did it? Because, you never supported me when I was going through all the problems that came with me trying to please you and your mother and in the end, it turned out you were not even worth it because you had no backbone you mama’s boy!! (rolls eyes).
OK, fine. so, you showed your face again and it was actually very pleasant for a while because everyone liked you and you were very desirable so, I was happy. I thought that this time, it was the real thing. I must admit, I was unfair to you because, I met that other guy who was clearly not you and run off with him for a while but, I came back to you!! We were all lovey dovey and almost married because your mum was crazy about me and all that but, i just moved away for a bit and you were doing the skankiest girl we both knew! (how could you?) You see how many times you tried to mess with my head? It was so unfair.
Yes!! what about that time when you showed up again in that African shop? I was so set against even looking at you but, you tried and tried and tried and I actually decided to give you a chance. Remember when we used to ride the bus all the way from west to south just to get Chinese cos we were both so Young and broke but we didn’t mind? You were at your most considerate then but, alas, that did not last did it? We were going strong when you bought your bicycle, I couldn’t ride it with you but, you always made me feel so loved and protected and looked after. When you had your first major job, you used to buy me things I never even asked for and I loved that about you. I even gave you your own ring tone on my phone and we used to send each other silly texts and pictures all the time.
Then, i got my big job and suddenly, you changed. Other men started noticing me and you didn’t like it. You started getting clingy and wouldn’t even let me breathe. I didn’t do any thing to hurt you but you started getting out of hand and when you bought your car, it got worse. You cheated on me with that white girl and i got pissed of and did you the same but, you still wouldn’t leave. It was like you were a different person. You used to call me at odd hours just to make sure i was home. I had to run far away from you and change my number because you scared the shit outta me!!
You showed up again when i least expected it. You were so handsome this time around with your bad boy persona, i never stood a chance. I fell so hard and fast for you. I was doing stuff for you that i had no business doing because you made my lady bits tingle and even though you had a kid and a crazy baby mama, i didn’t mind at all. I remember when we found our flat and how much fun we had decorating it and playing house. You used to make nice dinners for me and rub my feet when I was tired. I loved to show you off to my friends and when you used to surprise me by coming to my work place just to take me to lunch, i was always so happy and proud when everyone said i had the perfect man. But you changed. You started getting so demanding that I didn’t know what to do. I tried to cope and it was OK for a while. But, you just kept on pushing and pushing and when I couldn’t take it anymore and asked you to go, you went and stole so much from me in the process. I had to move away and change my number because of things you did.
So… I finally found you again. After a long break and convincing myself that i didn’t need you anymore. This time though, it was so real. I was so optimistic that you will not be the same. You made me feel safe and happy because i believed you when you said you will always be honest with me. Everyone thought it was a match made in heaven because we both had qualities that the other wanted. There was so much drama surrounding us but, we didn’t mind (or i didn’t mind) Because you did. You believed lies others told you because you had your own agenda. It was unbelievable how much i was willing to give up for you because, you told me it was meant to be. How could that be possible when you already belonged to someone else though? You were never truly mine to keep but i kept on. I chased after shadows for so long it was destroying me right in front of every one’s eyes but, you didn’t care. Funny thing is, of all the times you made an appearance, this was the one time I gave myself up completely because it felt right and natural to do so. You were the first one to make me cry and I still do sometimes when i think about all the humiliation and pain that I went through at you hands and when you finally told me you felt the same for me, i found it really hard to believe because, you never showed it. It is just words that were said. There never was any action to support this.
So we have come full cycle and am still waiting for you. How much longer do you want me to wait though? Did i find you just in time to have to let you go again? Will you keep doing this to me till i can’t take it no more? One thing is for certain though, i am no longer waiting for you. i have spent almost ten years in search of you and I am tired. When you are ready to stop playing games, am sure you’ll know where to find me.
Your long-suffering Juliet.