I stand in a crowd of people and feel incredibly alone. I wonder why that is? All my life, I have felt like there is a piece of me that is missing. It seems like I am always running towards something but never get close enough to crab it. Maybe, half of the problem is that I don’t know exactly what it is that I am running towards. Every time I think that I have it figured out, it slips through my hands again.
I am with someone. I wonder why I still feel this way? Like I don’t belong with this person that i am with? I turn my head every chance I get because I keep thinking that piece of me that is missing is not in the place I am trying to look right now. I see the man and he is caring and loving and gentle but, he is not that piece I am looking for. I wonder why that is? Is there something wrong with me? Because, he is not the problem. I see him do all the right things and say all the right things and never gives me reason to doubt but, his kisses are empty and his touch makes me cold. I can’t connect with him in the way that he will like me too because, I just don’t feel like I belong.
I love somebody. It is the hardest thing I have had to endure because, he loves someone else. I finally feel that I belong in a place only to find that I am the unwelcome visitor. Still, I stay and pray that it will work because it took me too long to get to this place. I suffer through pain and humiliation because I think that it will be worth it in the end. I bare my soul and do whatever I can to hold on to this one man who’s kisses are like a drug to me and who’s touch melts me no matter how upset I am. I fight for him and fight with him and in the end, I get what I want from him only to find that he can never really give me what I want. At least not now anyway.
So now, I am back. It’s a full cycle and I realize that no matter how hard I try, I will not find that thing that makes me complete because, it already belongs to someone and so, I am back to this. Going through the motions of life and trying not to let myself endure kisses that leave me bereft and touches that leave me cold. All that is said and its me, myself and I!.