The slow death…

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I had voluntarily put another embargo on blogging because I have been preparing for an exam, have started a new job, started training for Cancer Research’s Race 4 Life and have so many other things going in my life at this moment that my writing has taken a back stage (which is clearly not a good thing as I need an outlet). Tonight, the only thought that has gone through my head is how exhausted I am, I can feel my whole body shaking and my eyes are bloodshot and I am moving as if in slow motion BUT, I can’t seem to be able to fall asleep. 

I have been battling with insomnia for a while now and as I look at my dressing table with its multitude of sleeping aids, both medical and herbal, the mug of Holicks next to me, pillow spray and aromatherapy roller ball next to my pillow for when I’m finally ready to try to sleep, I am once again tormenting myself with the fact that I have to be up in a few hours and I am too tired to sleep. There is nothing worse than lying awake at night when everything is quiet, the lights are off and your brain won’t shut down for your body to get the much-needed rest. I have never been a coffee drinker but lately, I have resorted to having at least two cups of coffee in the morning before I can even bring myself to say hello to my colleagues. 

The thing with insomnia is; its like dying slowly (or what I imagine dying slowly will feel like anyway). It’s the inevitability of it I guess. I mean, when I get into bed, I usually know within half an hour if I will have an easy night or not. My easy night generally consists of falling asleep quickly and waking up every other hour and staring at my ceiling for a long time before falling asleep again. I have this out-of-body experience sometimes where it feels like I am watching myself not sleep and my self that is watching me shaking her head in pity at me ( I know that sentence does not make sense but, I’m tired okay?!) The worse part of it is questioning my sanity sometimes. I cannot tell the difference between having a dream and something that is really happening sometimes. Like when my alarm goes off in the morning and I wake up confused, thinking did I even sleep at all?

Anyway, as to the cause of this, there are so many I cannot pinpoint what exactly it is but, ISLEEP all I know is I am really tired of being tired all the bloody time and being afraid of going to bed and panicking when I see I have a few hours to rest before I wake up. Even more scary is the thought of getting out of bed and popping another pill because I know I have done it two days in a row and I really mustn’t take another pill for the next two weeks if I don’t want to end up addicted to sleeping pills. Although I know in theory that I am not actually dying, waking up in the morning with only a couple hours’ of sleep 4 days in a row makes your insides feel like they’re in constant painful knots and it hurts to even smile at people. Hell, even breathing is painful when you have had 10 hours of sleep in a week! 

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