Category Archives: relationships

Why I shouldn’t get married

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Being a Ghanaian woman and as a result, having tons of Ghanaians on my Facebook friends list, it’s not unusual for someone to ask me when I’m getting married. In fact, it’s the question I get asked most by my friends and even total strangers. The only people who never ask me when I’m getting married are my family. The funny thing is, majority of the people who ask me this question are themselves single so it makes me wonder what their agenda is. Anyway, to get people to stop asking me, I decided to come up with reasons why I should not get married.

I don’t have a boyfriend. This is true. To get married, you have to start a relationship with a boy and me and boys have an understanding; they stay away from me, and I don’t chase them away with my crazy womanly drama and attitude.

I don’t like living with people. Since I lived with a man in 2006 or 2007 for 6 months, I’ve decided that if I ever live with a guy again, it’ll have to be his ashes so it does not talk back, ask me to cook, leave the toilet seat up, be there when I get home from work, demanding my attention when all I want to do is sit quietly and watch Holyoaks, towels on the bathroom floor, look after him when he’s sick, deal with dirty socks and laundry days, be nice to his friends when I just really wanna break the Xbox… you see where I’m going with this…

I don’t want children. They scare the hell out of me. Enough said.

I can’t commit to that kind of commitment. Yes it’s true, I have commitment issues that are so crippling sometimes, I ran away from people when they start getting too close. You can ask any of my old friends. I can’t even commit to friendships for a long time. That’s why I don’t have really close friends but know a hell lot of people. So, asking me to commit to something as big as marriage is just asking for trouble.

I am not mature enough. Sure I am wiser with age but, I really don’t fancy sitting at the dining table with a man and planning our budget or holidays or having joint accounts and having to tell him when I want to buy new shoes and stuff.

I am a little crazy. I can’t help it. I get these wild ideas in my head and I have an outlandish way of thinking and coming to conclusions. I can just picture my husband’s face when I explain to him calmly and logically (in my head) how I think it’s totally acceptable to tip cows over or to try to steal a park bench or why I think that I can be a Russian spy when I don’t speak Russian. 

I am flighty, cannot make up my mind on anything and I hardly ever finish things that I start because I get bored so easily. 

I really don’t like marriage. To me, it’s pointless. I asked someone I know who recently got married if it was any different and they said it was just like moving in with your girlfriend or boyfriend. If it’s not epic, don’t do it!! That’s my point.

I want to marry Channing Tatum and since he already has a wife, I guess I missed my chance!

So, there you have it. Next time anyone asks me when I’m getting married, I’ll just tell them marriage is against my religion. Or something.

Let’s talk about text, baby!

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lets_talk_about_text_baby_poster-r08c3af65b4d84f13b62a54d18ed6ecfb_znt_216Texting. The greatest invention of the century. It’s so easy and convenient. It give us the chance to stay in touch with everyone that is important or not so important to us everywhere we are and we don’t even have to open our mouths. Hell, we don’t even have to spell properly for it to work. The best thing about it is, these days, you can text for free with apps like whatsapp, BBM, KIK, Viper to name a few which are completely free as long as you have internet, it’s a small wonder mobile phone services still offer talk time to customers.

But is texting all the time a good thing when you’re dating someone? Does it really give you a chance to get to know someone properly? Does it make it easier for us to lie to people because they can’t see or hear us? Does it make trusting people easier or harder? More importantly, does it enable cowardice? (I know too many questions, too little answers, right?)

Do you remember the days when people actually spoke to each other as opposed to texting all the time? I do. Were things better then? Yes indeed! The reason I say this is because people had to think twice before they spoke to you because there wasn’t a wall to hide behind. People ultimately had a lot more respect for each other because of talking (that’s what I think anyway).

I don’t get excited about giving my number to people anymore as I know that it will likely result in a lot of texting, I’ll get bored and decide not to respond after a while or vice versa. Out of all the men I’ve met over the last couple of years when I was actively dating, only 3 of them actually picked up the phone to have a conversation with me at least once a week. The rest was all a lot of text and no action and that was mostly why I lost interest in them. What happens though, when people hide behind text messages?

You know when you’ve been seeing someone for a while and things are not going so well. You get a text message out of the blue telling you you’ve been dumped and you just look at your phone crazy like damn! (yes, stole that from a rap song). You then get really angry and send a couple of abusive texts back calling them cowards for not being man or woman enough to tell it to your face. I doubt that the drama is ever about being dumped. It’s always about the way it was done and you feel like you at least deserve some respect. What do you expect though; we live in a world now where people are so lazy they can’t even be bothered to get out of bed in the morning! If you’ve seen someone naked more than once and you’ve spent time with this person and have decided for some reason that you don’t want them, do you not think that a phone call is the least they deserve? The answer sadly seems to be no.

Personally, I have issues with people who text more than they call you and I’ve said this before. People can text from ANYWHERE! I do it, you do it, and everyone does it. You know when someone you’re dating texts you a question which you think will be easy to answer by just phoning them, so you do and they don’t answer but then text you again right after? What is that about? Dude, I just rang your phone a second ago!? (Alarm bells).Personally, I think people who do that are very dodgy and I’ve never trusted anyone who texts more than they call.

I think that technology is amazing and the world has come so far, its remarkable. It won’t hurt for certain things to say the same though,but why talk about that when we can just text about it? 😉

And… she’s back!

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As I sit here staring at my screen, only one thought keeps repeating in my head. ‘Why did you stop writing?’ I decided earlier to put a stop to my self-imposed ban on blogging and get my shit together but, it wasn’t until I started typing that I realised how much I’ve missed this and how stupid I was to let one minor setback make me question my judgement . I decided that I am going to be bigger and better and more honest than I’ve ever been with my readers.

So, why did I run away from myself for a couple of months? Well, I’m sure most of you will guess the answer. It was because of a boy. Just one little boy trapped in a man’s body actually brought me to my knees in the space of 3 weeks! I think that in life, we all meet people who make an impact on our lives whether good or bad.

Although I am a great expert (I know, right?!) at giving people advice on relationships, I am totally rubbish at having one so, I went into one with all the good intentions of a girl who believes that not all men are the same and put real effort into it. Oh, he was a good man! He was so good, after a week of dating; he had me eating out the palm of his hand. I mean, what girl would not be over the moon when a guy she has dated for only 2 weeks asks her to meet his sister?  Although, that should have been a warning to me that it was too soon and we were moving too fast, I think I fell in love with him that minute! Don’t get me wrong, I was shitting bricks scared! My friends will tell you from our whatsapp group chats how crazy I was being. Questioning everything and second guessing myself but, he was so on point (for lack of a better word) that, even my friends called him Magic Mike because my attitude towards men had  changed drastically since I met him.

It wasn’t to last though. When someone pays you so much attention and then suddenly stops, you try all you can to find out why and I am somewhat ashamed to admit I did a few things that I always tell women not to do. The phone calls and texts, the sleepless nights and the crying, the drinking (ha, that actually is because I enjoy a drink!)And it took me longer than we were together to actually get over it. All of this made me feel like I wasn’t even qualified to give anyone advice on dating!

What did I learn during my time out from blogging? Quite a lot actually.  First of all, I know that I am not cut out for relationships. It’s not even about the right one coming along. It’s just a simple fact that, I like being alone. I don’t like thinking about another person and fretting over them. I don’t like that you open up to someone and give them all the tools they need to hurt you. I can’t even sleep properly if I am spending the night with someone so, what is the point? Everyone has a level of fuckedupness (yes, I just made that word up) in them and recognising them and dealing with them is better than burdening someone with them.

So, I am back to being myself again, I will continue to run as far away from emotional entanglements as long as I can and I am going to enjoy my life (blah blah). But, on a serious note, I missed all my loyal readers and I am not going away again. For now though, I will leave you with this amazingly true quote I found today: ‘’ passion is always a mystery and unaccountable, and unfortunately there is no doubt that life does not spare its purest children and often it is just the most deserving people who cannot help loving those that destroy them’’

No to control freaks!

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So today at work, I overheard a conversation between two girls which got my head spinning! OK  fine. I was eavesdropping but, in my defence, they were really loud. One of the girls was complaining to the other that; her boyfriend goes out all the time but, when she tells him she’s going out, he gets upset and tells her she can’t go. Her friend was obviously full of good advice and told her to get rid of him (hopefully not by murder) and the girl in question said  ‘I’m giving him till January to change and if he hasn’t, that’s it for me’

Now, we all know that man ain’t gon change. It’s one thing being in a relationship with a control freak and it’s another thing getting out of that relationship. Trust me, the reason I am writing this post is because, this conversation took me back. To many years ago. When I was in the same position as she is now.

Being in a relationship with a man who thinks he owns you is not something new. Most women end up with someone like that at some point and giving someone who has control
issues time to change is like waiting for a plane at the harbour. Not. Going. To. Happen!  I remember having to remember to delete my call and text logs so that my control freak ex boyfriend would not have a reason to shout at me or question my activities. The good old days of calling my girlfriends to cancel our night out because, he didn’t think I should go. Hell, he even took me to work and picked me up just so I won’t be on the bus with other men who might look at me.

There’s nothing fun about being with someone who is so insecure that, they think the moment  they give you room to breath, you’re going to run away with the first man you see. Men always complain about how insecure women are but, an insecure man, is worse than 50 insecure women. An insecure man is going to beat on you and tell you that it was your fault. An insecure man is going to alienate you from your friends and family because, he can have a firmer hold on you if you feel alone. An insecure man is going to tell you, you will never find someone to love you the way they do.

I really wanted to tell this girl at work to run. As far away as possible. Change your phone number, make your friends and family swear not to tell this guy where you are but, who am I to tell someone what to do? Chances are, he’s already got to her so badly, she
needs to see the nose bleed in the mirror to come to the realisation that she needs to leave herself. I felt her pain at the end of the day because, I’d been there and I know how hard it’ll be for her to cut the tentacles of someone who grows an extra hand as soon as you cut one off.

What Do Black Men Think Of Black Women?

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This will be short and sweet. It was just a conversation I had with someone today that I felt like sharing. A friend of mine tried to set me up with this guy she knows who has ‘got it going on’. I told her no but she gave him my number anyway and he called me this afternoon and we got to talking.

After the awkwardness was over, I spent about 20 minutes listening to him talk about himself and what he has achieved and what he wanted to do with his life and how his career makes him live the life style he wants. All in all, not bad if I was looking for an idiot who likes the sound of his own voice. He then asked me a very simple question; so, what is your story? I replied and said, I do not have a story. He laughed and asked me why I was single so I told him there really wasn’t an answer to that question as there are many factors. He then asked me if I had any trust issues. I said no. Did I have any grudges I hold against men? I replied no. He then asked, do you have any kids? My answer obviously was no. He asked how old I was and I replied. I was getting kind of annoyed by this stage because really, get to the point right? But wait, he wasn’t done. not by a long shot!

After the spanish inquisition , he asked me if I liked chicken to which I replied not really because I found chicken boring. This man on my phone then goes: wait, so you don’t have any issues or hate for men, you’re more than 25 years old, have your own place and a job and have no kids, you’re not a big fan of chicken, you work out and you sound generally very sane. ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE BLACK??  Believe me, I was just as surprised and more than a little outraged!. I did not mince my words when I told him where to shove it and start dating women instead of little girls but as usual, that conversation has been on replay in my head and since I’m all drugged up and have too much caffeine in my body to fall asleep, I decided, can I please ask this question?

To all the black men out there who read my blog, is that how you really view black women? That as long as she is sane and has a head on her shoulders she’s not black? I know some black women that have kids and are still holding it down being independent and not relying on the government. I know black women this including myself who have been lied to and cheated on by men in the past and still aren’t bitter or going around hating on men. I know black women that are strong independent and have their shit together.

If every one of those people I’ve described sounds too good to be true for the black men, then you lot really do not deserve us do you? You cannot expect every woman you meet to be a no good waste girl because that is what you are used to. You cannot expect us all to be fat and live in council flats and not be able to hold down jobs because that is what you’re used to. You cannot expect all of us to be career gold diggers and hoes because that is what you’re used to. All I’m saying is, there is a new black woman out there and you my ‘brothers’ need to start catching up!

Letter To The Love Of My Life.

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Dear love of my life,

First of all, i hope you are doing great wherever you are. It has taken me a while to put this letter together and send it off to you so, bear with me if some of the things i say upset you.

So, i have looked for you for twenty-seven years and it’s still not clear exactly where you are. I mean, i have searched since I was 18? All I have had been little glimpses of you that always made me hope only for that hope to be crushed. Like that time when I thought I found you. Only it wasn’t you was it? You tricked me into thinking that the guy who was always parked outside my house waiting for me was you. Yeah, I bet you remember him! The one who used to write me a bunch of letters when I was in boarding school and send me pizza and money by courier all the time. You really had me fooled that time because, you got even my mother believing that it was really you. Only it wasn’t. It turned out you were doing the dirty with one of my friends behind my back and it was really a good day when i found the two of you together!!


Oh oh.. what about that time when you tried to change me into something I wasn’t and I let you do it because I believed you had changed your ways and I really wanted your mother to like me? Yeah, that didn’t go down well did it? Because, you never supported me when I was going through all the problems that came with me trying to please you and your mother and in the end, it turned out you were not even worth it because you had no backbone you mama’s boy!! (rolls eyes).


OK, fine. so, you showed your face again and it was actually very pleasant for a while because everyone liked you and you were very desirable so, I was happy. I thought that this time, it was the real thing. I must admit, I was unfair to you because, I met that other guy who was clearly not you and run off with him for a while but, I came back to you!! We were all lovey dovey and almost married because your mum was crazy about me and all that but, i just moved away for a bit and you were doing the skankiest girl we both knew! (how could you?)  You see how many times you tried to mess with my head? It was so unfair.


Yes!! what about that time when you showed up again in that African shop? I was so set against even looking at you but, you tried and tried and tried and I actually decided to give you a chance. Remember when we used to ride the bus all the way from west to south just to get Chinese cos we were both so Young and broke but we didn’t mind? You were at your most considerate then but, alas, that did not last did it? We were going strong when you bought your bicycle, I couldn’t ride it with you but, you always made me feel so loved and protected and looked after. When you had your first major job, you used to buy me things I never even asked for and I loved that about you. I even gave you your own ring tone on my phone and we used to send each other silly texts and pictures all the time.
Then, i got my big job and suddenly, you changed. Other men started noticing me and you didn’t like it. You started getting clingy and wouldn’t even let me breathe.  I didn’t do any thing to hurt you but you started getting out of hand and when you bought your car, it got worse. You cheated on me with that white girl and i got pissed of and did you the same but, you still wouldn’t leave. It was like you were a different person. You used to call me at odd hours just to make sure i was home. I had to run far away from you and change my number because you scared the shit outta me!!


You showed up again when i least expected it. You were so handsome this time around with your bad boy persona, i never stood a chance. I fell so hard and fast for you. I was doing stuff for you that i had no business doing because you made my lady bits tingle and even though you had a kid and a crazy baby mama, i didn’t mind at all. I remember when we found our flat and how much fun we had decorating it and playing house. You used to make nice dinners for me and rub my feet when I was tired. I loved to show you off to my friends and when you used to surprise me by coming to my work place just to take me to lunch, i was always so happy and proud when everyone said i had the perfect man. But you changed. You started getting so demanding that I didn’t know what to do. I tried to cope and it was OK for a while. But, you just kept on pushing and pushing and when I couldn’t take it anymore and asked you to go, you went and stole so much from me in the process. I had to move away and change my number because of things you did.


So… I finally found you again. After a long break and convincing myself that i didn’t need you anymore. This time though, it was so real. I was so optimistic that you will not be the same. You made me feel safe and happy because i believed you when you said you will always be honest with me. Everyone thought it was a match made in heaven because we both had qualities that the other wanted. There was so much drama surrounding us but, we didn’t mind (or i didn’t mind) Because you did. You believed lies others told you because you had your own agenda. It was unbelievable how much i was willing to give up for you because, you told me it was meant to be. How could that be possible when you already belonged to someone else though? You were never truly mine to keep but i kept on. I chased after shadows for so long it was destroying me right in front of every one’s eyes but, you didn’t care. Funny thing is, of all the times you made an appearance, this was the one time I gave myself up completely because it felt right and natural to do so. You were the first one to make me cry and I still do sometimes when i think about all the humiliation and pain that I went through at you hands and when you finally told me you felt the same for me, i found it really hard to believe because, you never showed it. It is just words that were said. There never was any action to support this.


So we have come full cycle and am still waiting for you. How much longer do you want me to wait though? Did i find you just in time to have to let you go again? Will you keep doing this to me till i can’t take it no more? One thing is for certain though, i am no longer waiting for you. i have spent almost ten years in search of you and I am tired. When you are ready to stop playing games, am sure you’ll know where to find me.


Your long-suffering Juliet.

Why Don’t You Love Me?

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Do you ever get that feeling? That you are doing everything right by your man but he just doesn’t see it?  I mean, you are on point. You are independent, smart, sexy, a homemaker, you do everything for this guy that a woman possibly could. You even go above and beyond just to prove yourself to him that you are loveable but, it just doesn’t work out?

Sometimes, it makes you sit down and wonder what you are doing wrong. You go over and over on what you could be doing wrong and cannot pin-point exactly what it is? I mean, all your friends are telling you that you’re on point. His friends and family tell you that you are doing everything right. Everyone around the two of you can see the level of your devotion and dedication to him but, he just doesn’t see it?  He won’t even care that you are crying for him. He won’t even notice the longing in your eyes every time that you look at him because, he is not really seeing you is he? It’s like he is staring right through you.

This situation can make you question yourself and your choices and make you feel so incompetent and silly. You lose all self-confidence because you keep wondering if you are doing something wrong.  If you have ever felt like that, I am sorry. I know exactly how that feels like when everyone around you except the man you love can see exactly what is going on. I can tell you this though, it is not your fault the idiot is blind and cannot see what could be the best thing that could have happened to him. Just move on and trust me, he will come crawling back in the end. they always do don’t they?