Category Archives: Uncategorized

Frankie Says Relax…

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Relaxing… Its meant to be good for you generally. It’s good for your health and well-being, helps you to concentrate better, remember things better and most importantly, stops you from being a neurotic bitch.  Have you ever been to a yoga class? I have. Did it relax me? No. Did I go back? Yes. How many times, you ask? Three whole months. I went to yoga class twice a week for 3 months just to learn how to relax because I was determined to and it didn’t work. I guess it was because I was trying too hard to relax. Who knows? One thing I learned in yoga though, I can do great maths in my head! In a 45 minute yoga class, I could do my monthly budget and plan how many shoes I could realistically buy without breaking the bank.

This post isn’t about yoga though. It’s about the fact that I do not know how to relax. My brain is constantly ticking away and I sometimes wonder if its insanity. I mean, everyone has conversations with themselves in their heads, right? Right?? Am I right? No? OK! Just me then! Just last night, I was lying in bed counting sheep so I could fall asleep (worse idea ever, by the way!) and the oddest thought popped into my head; what if I was not a real person but a ghost in someone’s body? I know, right? Barking mad, me! I actually started laughing at myself and decided to accept the fact that I was going insane.

I wish I could be one of those people who can just clear their minds and be laid back about everything but I guess I’m not. I mean, I have to think about things over and over. I over think the slightest things (ask any of my friends) and I take myself way too seriously (but that is because my inner diva tells me how awesome I am). I plan for every possible scenario and always try to be a step ahead of myself. I suppose it’s what life has taught me. If you spend a lot of time on your own, you tend to be your own saviour and in the process, end up being a neurotic paranoid crazy woman who sings stupid songs in your head while trying to work out important stuff. At the same time.  I suppose if I was one of those perfectly sane, cool, calm and collected people (not just on the outside), I would be able to shelve my thoughts every day before I go to bed because thinking too much leads to not relaxing. Not relaxing leads to lack of sleep. Lack of sleep leads to getting a cold every month for almost 6 months, forgetting things as soon as I’ve thought about them, being grouchy and generally a nightmare to be around.

Wait, none of that made any sense! Ah well, It’s only my first blog in as many months…

My Ex Was/ Is Crazy…

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I’ve turned this in my head for some time now and just a few minutes ago, I changed my TV channel to E4 and Made in Chelsea was on and that pudgy one, I believe his name is Spencer was telling his new girlfriend that his ex was crazy because she was paranoid that he was cheating on her all the time (which he was!). I liked his new girlfriend’s answer though. She said it drove her crazy when men said that about their exes and she was totally right. Man, if I had a dime for every time a man told me their ex was crazy! I never used to question why men said so things like that but, I learnt a few years ago not to take that at face value because, chances are, if a girl acts ‘crazy’, it’s because a man she trusted put her in that place. 

Take this stupid TV show for example, that guy has cheated on every girl he’s been with on the show so, if I was in that place as that ex of his, I would have been paranoid too! (Although she shouldn’t have been with the idiot in the first place). It took me back to a few years ago, when I was in a relationship with a guy that had a kid with another woman. He used to always tell me she was crazy and I believed it because I was unfortunately a victim of her ‘craziness’ but, once I had a chance to actually speak to her, I begun to question his sanity and not hers. I mean, if you get a girl pregnant, promise her the world and then go out every weekend to clubs and pick up girls to sleep with because your pregnant girlfriend couldn’t have sex with you and she found out? Do you then expect her to act anything short of crazy? I know I wouldn’t. I began to believe her stories more when he started going to clubs with his friends every weekend and then, the phone calls from other women started. One of them even found my number and TRIED to pick a fight with me! (I know right!) My reaction to that definitely put me in the crazy ex group but, it was a consequence of his actions. I was dating a boy I knew back in primary school in Ghana and he was engaged to a Nigerian girl AND was trolling the internet for more girls to sleep with… So, if his phone number ended up on Gumtree (I saw it as helping him to get what he obviously wanted, quicker), does that make me a crazy ex?  What about his behaviour? The worse thing a man can say about me after we’ve broken up is to tell his friends and new girlfriend that I was crazy. Men are devious and crafty and will NEVER tell the full story to another person (god forbid they say anything to knock themselves off the pedestal they put themselves on!). 

One will say; what if the girl was already crazy? It may well be that someone already has some issues which no doubt stem from past experiences, eg: relationship with male relatives, ex boyfriends etc but, I doubt there has been a crazy act by a woman towards a man without some sort of provocation from said man. If you tell a woman lies to get what you want from her and once you’re done, you decide to get rid of her (which is perfectly fine, not everything is meant to work out) in the worse possible way, like not answering her calls or texts, avoiding her and giving her excuses and sometimes even accusing her of things that you know she didn’t do and she gets angry and does something you don’t like, you call her crazy? Like Beyoncé said in Obsession, I’ll show you crazy! ha!

I’m not saying that some girls are not delusional and threaten to kill themselves, stalk you, boil your bunny and downloadtry to make you feel every inch as miserable as they do but, those are special cases that need professional help. Everyone has a bit of crazy in them and it doesn’t take much to bring it out sometimes but, like the legend Mike Tyson said in an episode of How I Met Your Mother; before you call a girl crazy, look at her ex, then you’ll see some real crazy! 🙂

Testing the waters…

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So, I’m sitting here staring at my blank screen and thinking back to a conversation with an old friend I run into a couple of weeks ago and how relevant it is to me and my life now. 

I don’t think that people are prepared to stick around long enough to make anything work these days; I say to my friend who for the purpose of this post shall be called George. The reason I was saying this to him was because he had broken up with his girlfriend whom he said he loved and I was trying to give him all the logical reasons why I thought he was never really in love with her. His answer to this although I completely dismissed at that time, has eaten at me for the past few days. I remember George saying that his ex girlfriend said the same thing I was saying about people running away at the first sign of trouble and not sticking around long enough to find out if things will work out or not. Most relationships these days start with ‘lets see how things go’ but the moment the going gets a little tough or even if there’s a whiff of things getting tough, its goodbye and I can’t deal with this or that now sort of thing. George said to me that they tried but, if you’re fighting all the time because of stupid reasons, then it’s time to call things off because at the end of the day, you want to spend your life with someone who is right for you (I don’t think he said it in those exact words but I was half drunk when we concluded this topic so, I don’t remember). In the end, I had to let him off because he did try for over a year before calling it quits. 

So, why am I telling you my friend’s story? Because although my friend tried for over a year, most people these days try for a few weeks before calling things off. This isn’t because people are overly picky and want to end up with the right person so are just working their way through the wrong ones at record speed. I think the main reason is people hardly get into anything with an ‘us’ attitude any more. We have all become so selfish that I sometimes wonder what the point is in even bothering. I don’t even think that we mean to be that way which makes it worse. Circumstances make our decisions for us, it seems. As a creature of habit, I don’t like having my personal space invaded all the time, so I know how other people who go through long spells of being single must feel when they start dating someone new and they start to take over even the tiniest bit of your life. It feels like you’re giving your independence and free will away because you have to think about how your actions will affect someone. You have to suddenly start thinking like an ‘US’ instead of a ‘ME’ and that is scary. As a self-confessed commitment-phobic,I can personally say that thinking of how my actions will affect someone is the most unpleasant part about starting a new relationship. That is why I think people find the easiest way to get out of this by finding reasons to end things with someone before things get too serious.

On the other hand, wouldn’t it be much nicer if two people who liked each other put in real effort to make things work? If someone brings a smile to your face even when you’re in a bad mood, shouldn’t that be worth sticking around for? I mean, what is the point of looking, wasting time and money on someone only to pack up and run at the first thing that brings a frown to your face? If is something trivial? I am by no means saying that my readers should stick with people who make them miserable from the start or with people who have bad characters but, how do you know until you actually try? So many people are so emotionally challenged these days, I wonder why it’s not on the disability list… Oh, but what do I know? 🙂

 

Henrietta Bonney-Mercer is fundraising for Cancer Research UK

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Henrietta Bonney-Mercer is fundraising for Cancer Research UK.

 

Hi everyone, just a quick one to ask for your help fundraising for cancer research by clicking on my just giving page to sponsor my race for life in July. I have decided to dress as Nicki Minaj so, look out for the pics of me in the pink and blond wig and the pink jumpsuit!! Please help beat cancer. It affects everyone and every little helps.

 

Thank you xx

 

The slow death…

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I had voluntarily put another embargo on blogging because I have been preparing for an exam, have started a new job, started training for Cancer Research’s Race 4 Life and have so many other things going in my life at this moment that my writing has taken a back stage (which is clearly not a good thing as I need an outlet). Tonight, the only thought that has gone through my head is how exhausted I am, I can feel my whole body shaking and my eyes are bloodshot and I am moving as if in slow motion BUT, I can’t seem to be able to fall asleep. 

I have been battling with insomnia for a while now and as I look at my dressing table with its multitude of sleeping aids, both medical and herbal, the mug of Holicks next to me, pillow spray and aromatherapy roller ball next to my pillow for when I’m finally ready to try to sleep, I am once again tormenting myself with the fact that I have to be up in a few hours and I am too tired to sleep. There is nothing worse than lying awake at night when everything is quiet, the lights are off and your brain won’t shut down for your body to get the much-needed rest. I have never been a coffee drinker but lately, I have resorted to having at least two cups of coffee in the morning before I can even bring myself to say hello to my colleagues. 

The thing with insomnia is; its like dying slowly (or what I imagine dying slowly will feel like anyway). It’s the inevitability of it I guess. I mean, when I get into bed, I usually know within half an hour if I will have an easy night or not. My easy night generally consists of falling asleep quickly and waking up every other hour and staring at my ceiling for a long time before falling asleep again. I have this out-of-body experience sometimes where it feels like I am watching myself not sleep and my self that is watching me shaking her head in pity at me ( I know that sentence does not make sense but, I’m tired okay?!) The worse part of it is questioning my sanity sometimes. I cannot tell the difference between having a dream and something that is really happening sometimes. Like when my alarm goes off in the morning and I wake up confused, thinking did I even sleep at all?

Anyway, as to the cause of this, there are so many I cannot pinpoint what exactly it is but, ISLEEP all I know is I am really tired of being tired all the bloody time and being afraid of going to bed and panicking when I see I have a few hours to rest before I wake up. Even more scary is the thought of getting out of bed and popping another pill because I know I have done it two days in a row and I really mustn’t take another pill for the next two weeks if I don’t want to end up addicted to sleeping pills. Although I know in theory that I am not actually dying, waking up in the morning with only a couple hours’ of sleep 4 days in a row makes your insides feel like they’re in constant painful knots and it hurts to even smile at people. Hell, even breathing is painful when you have had 10 hours of sleep in a week! 

Being a relationship fluffer…

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I remember watching the film Good Luck Chuck and thinking that what if it really wasn’t luck that every girl he dated found the person they wanted to marry afterwards? What if he was just the guy you dated before you got married?  It was not like he was an asshole to any of the girls that he was with but, somehow, nothing worked and they all moved and met ‘’the one’’ after breaking up with him. Was he just preparing these girls for marriage or serious relationships?

Well, my post isn’t about the film although it got me thinking about a similar issue in real life. There are a lot of people who have been relationship fluffers for other people in life. I know I always try to see things from everyone’ point of view but, I am going to talk about women alone today. I have had many conversations with my girlfriends in the past and present when a relationship ended and their ex moved on quickly, or they met a girl and got married or changed their Facebook relationship statuses quickly when they never did so with them ‘’What can she give him that I didn’t?’’ ‘’Is something wrong with the way I treated him?’’, ‘’I did everything for this guy and he couldn’t commit in the end!’’ I have always had this thing where I care too much for people. It’s a natural part of me and I can’t help it sometimes. It’s also the main reason for the above questions we women ask ourselves and our friends when we are comfort eating that tub of Ben and Jerry’s after yet another failed relationship.

Should we show commitment to someone we are not committed to? Is it a certain woman’s job to prepare a man for a relationship with another woman?

Take for example the girl who isn’t looking for anything serious or so she tells a guy that she started seeing because he said he wanted nothing serious from the start. They  have a lot of fun, he thinks she’s  cool and likes being around her  because she don’t nag or ask questions. Then one day, out of the blue…BAM! The big question! ‘’where do you think this is going?’’. Er, this is the girl who told the guy she didn’t want anything serious?  He finds a way to dodge her question, stops calling her and after a while, she stops trying to contact him too. And then she find out he is in an actual relationship with someone else and that upsets her? Maybe that girl he is with was really honest about what she wanted and he wanted her enough to make things work with her. If you want something serious, be honest from the start or you’ll end up being someone’s Chuck.

Showing commitment to someone who you’re not committed to is one of the big mistakes that we make when dating. It’s nice to be nice. After all, you won’t be wasting your time with someone you didn’t like would you? But please, don’t try to be their girlfriend when  they have not asked you to be! Don’t be that girl who will cancel on her friends because he wants to hang out with you. Don’t be that girl who will cook and clean his house and mother him because you think that it will make it impossible for him to let you go. Don’t be that girl who will go above and beyond to make a guy know how much you like him because, the truth is, 90% of men will take you for granted when they know how much you like them. They will treat you like shit because you’ve given them the power to do so. There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who is in love with him and if he is a heartless bastard, there’s nothing worse. Being loving and caring to with someone you’re just dating will ultimately prepare him for how to behave in his next relationship. He may treat you like shit but, he will also know how that made you feel and when he does meet a girl he really likes, he will treat her better.

Giving a man power over you too early into dating is never a good idea no matter what others might say. It’s been tried and tested (by me obviously) and proven not to work. If you don’t want to be someone’s good luck Chuck, make sure you’re on a level playing field from the start.

30 going on 25…

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I remember 10 years ago when I was still innocent (reasonably) and had this crazy idea of where I was going to be by the time I was 30 years old. I used to picture myself in a court room, working as a lawyer for free back home helping abused women and children for free. This subject was and is still close to my heart but, I never got that law degree. It wasn’t because I couldn’t do it. I gave it a good shot and did a good job of it until I decided it wasn’t what I wanted and dropped out. This has been the case with one or two things that I’ve tried to do with myself in the last few years and always seem to change my mind at some stage and move on to a new project. 

Yesterday, I woke up an d thought; okay! It’s the big one. What have you done with your life? Anything that you are proud of? I thought about this for a while. Trying to create a CV in my head and failing miserably at it. I mean, I have a professional CV that makes me look as indecisive as anything. I have had many jobs I’ve hated and a few that I’ve loved. I have done this course and that course and feel a little like Lynn from Girlfriends. Remember her? Professional student with a bunch of qualifications and no sense of direction? Depressing thought. To know that you’re at the age where most people think you should be married with kids and all that jazz. But, I was going about it all wrong!

I forgot how easy it is for me to get a job because my CV is so versatile. I didn’t think about the fact that I have built a life for myself with little help from anyone. I didn’t remember for a minute that I spend my spare time a few times a week helping feed the homeless in the city I live in and have done so for a while. I didn’t think that after all the pain and hardship that has come my way over the years, I am still here, strong and with a can do, no bullshit attitude. I mean, I have had the abusive boyfriend, the thieving boyfriend, the back stabbing friend, the I only know you when I want something friend. You name it, I’ve probably had it! I have loved and lost… A LOT! I have conquered a lot of my fears and demons and I have lived life to its fullest for someone as young as me. I realised I have a lot to be thankful for and more importantly, I have some amazing people in my life who have supported every short-lived dream I’ve had and will probably continue to have!

After my great epiphany, I decided that my life is good. It is as perfect as I expect it to be and there is so much more in-store for me. I am amazed every time I see the number of hits on my blog, It’s great when I hand someone a bowl of soup or a sandwich and they smile at me like I just gave them the sun. That feeling, knowing that I am doing two things at the moment that I absolutely love no matter how hard they are.

In the last 6 months, I learned to let things go and not let stuff affect me like they used to and in letting go, I have opened myself up to so many more great experiences! I guess this is a note to myself: When in doubt, always remember that I’m half way there, on this crazy road that leads to who knows where… (ah, gotta love Paloma Faith)